DUFFY'S TAVERN OPENING LINES
compiled by Andrew Steinberg
with help from Carl "The Man"
40-7-29 Audition
'Yeah. Oh, yeah, there must be three or four customers here already.'
43-03-23 Susan Hayward
"Duffy, you know who we got coming here tonight? Susan Hayward and Frank Buck.'
43-06-15 Clifton Fadiman
'Aha, tonight, Clifton Fadiman. Yeah, eh the Mental brain from the radio.'
43-10-19 Missing Sandwich
'Tonight, Dha, Peter Lorre and Mrs. Kermit Welldom her talking bird. Huh? Mrs. Welle's Talking Bird.'
43-10-26 Ida Lupino
'Tonight, Dha, Ida Lupino. Huh, oh yeah, gorgeous.'
43-11-02 Charles Coburn
'Tonight, Dha, Charles Coburn. Charles! Coburn. Now, Duffy don't hang up.'
Brands mentioned in opening: Sal Hepatica. Minute Rub.
43-11-09 Lucille Ball
'Tonight, Dha, Lucille Ball from Hollywood. Hmmm, the tomato with the carrot hair.'
43-12-07 Bing Crosby
'Tonight Duffy we really got a big shot. Bing Crosby. Crosby. C - R, C- R- O- S- B-.'
43-12-14 Dinah Shore
'Hello Duffy. Huh, the crowd here? It's a pretty horrible looking ensemble.'
44-01-04 Fred Allen Opens with Ginny Simms show due to engineer's mistake
'That's just on the surface. Down underneath they hate each other.'
44-1-18 Old Schoolteacher (date questionable) - Other dates given 46-01-18, 04 5-11-24
'I've finally caught that guy that's been putting buttons into the telephone slot'
44-02-01 Billie Burke
'Tonight, duh, Billie Burke the movie actress. Huh, what's she like? Well aha, imagine one of those Sinatra fans grown up'
44-02-22 Phil Baker'Tonight, aha, Phil Baker. Phil Baker, from aha, the Take It or Leave It, you know the one with the fountain pens. No, not one of the Ink Spots.'
44-02-29 Turning Tavern into Hotel
'Tonight, Gracie Fields, the English nightingale'
44-03-07 Archie's Taxes
'Tonight, Colonel Stoopnagle. Oh, I wouldn't say that Duffy. He's lost weight.'
44-03-14 Archie Writes a Play
'You never seen a sweller looking bunch of crumbs.'
44-04-11 Carole Landis
'Tonight, Carole Landis, the curvaceous cookie from Hollywood.'
44-04-25 Crosby and Hope
'Tonight, Delores Hope and Bob Crosby. Bob Hope's wife, and Bing Crosby's brother.'
44-05-02 Dennis Day
'Hello Duffy, not much new. Oh yeah, you remember Skinny Gardner. His wife just had a baby.'
44-5-9 Adolphe Menjou
'Tonight, Adolphe Menjou. Adolphe Menjou. Well, you remember Theda Bara?'
44-05-23 Paul Lukas
'Hey Duffy I just got a terrific idea for a publicity stunt that overnight your name will be in every paper in the US.'
44-09-15 Rudy Vallee
'Duffy, you're a sound for sore ears.'
44-09-22 Gene Tierney
'Oh tonight, Gene Tierny. Got a face that could launch a thousand ships.'
44-11-10 Bob Benchley
'Tonight Bob Benchley, the noted actor, writer, wit and racketeer.'
44-12-22 Christmas
'Tonight, a real big shot, Monty Wooley, and that ain't hay.'
45-01-05 Jinx Falkenberg
'Tonight, Jinx Falkenberg, cover girl, swimmer, movie actress, tennis star'
45-01-12 Boris Karloff
'Tonight, Boris Karloff. Yep, America's number one pin up ghoul.'
45-01-19 Linda Darnell
'Tonight, Linda Darnell, and brother would I love to fence her in.'
45-02-02 Sonny Tufts
'Tonight, Sonny Tufts. You remember the guy, Duffy. The one that when you once said to your wife '
45-04-06 Inherits Diamonds
'Hello Duffy, beautiful night, huh? Yeah, I hardly feel like moving.'
45-04-27 John Garfield
'Tonight, well aha, tell me who is your favorite movie tough guy?'
45-05-18 Archie's Raise
'I tried to call you. How come your phone has been so busy?'
45-11-09 Eddie Quits
'The crowd, a lot of servicemen tonight. The place is a regular separation center.'
45-11-16 Sandra Gould
'The crowd? There's a couple of celebrities here. For one Horace Guttenberg.'
45-12-21 Christmas Carol
'Merry Christmas to you. By the way, we got two more Christmas cards tonight.'
45-12-28 Balancing The Books
'Hello Duffy, A pink elephant just walked into the room? Duffy, you better take another look.'
46-01-11 Making a movie (guest Larry Storch)
'Hello Duffy. I'm glad you called. Look, how would you like to see Mrs. Duffy in an ermine coat?'
46-02-01 Peggy Lee
'Hello Duffy. Hey, what's that noise? You're helping your fat wife with the supper dishes?'
46-03-08 Archie's homecoming
'Eddie: Oh hello Mr Duffy. Yeah I just got a telegram from Mr. Archie at Belleview hospital'
46-03-15 Archie takes up gardening
'Oh hello Duffy old keen old pal. I'm happy tonight.'
46-04-12 Marie McDonald
'Tonight, Marie McDonald the Body. Huh? Well picture Mrs. Duffy, now divide by four.'
46-04-26 Esther Williams
'Esther Williams is coming tonight. Archie the mermaid speaking.'
46-05-03 Archie takes up reading.
'Yeah, pretty big crowd here tonight. Brogran, O'Flaraty, Murphy..'
46-5-10 Pierre the Talking dog
'Hey, did you see me picture in the paper with Pierre the talking dog?'
46-12-18 Joan Bennett
'Tonight, Joan Bennett. The woman in the window. Huh, a Mannequin?'
47-1-22 Minerva Pious
'Did you hear me on the Fred Allen Show Sunday? You did huh? What did you think of me performance?'
47-3-5 Archie proposes
'How's business? It's looking up.'
47-5-28 Miss Duffy's coming out party
'Yep, tonight's the big night, Miss Duffy's coming out party.'
47-11-5 Rudy Vallee
'Yep, tonight's the big testimonial dinner, and guess who's coming down, Georgie Jessel.'
47-12-3 Jean Sablon
'Hmmm, no phone call from Duffy. That's funny. What time is it Eddie? Three weeks before Christmas.'
48-01-07 Garry Moore
'Tonight, a friend of mine. Garry Moore. The ? looking guy from the Take it or Leave it show.'
48-5-19 Archie wants a raise
'How are things? Well, I would say that our business is on a very solid foundation.'
48-5-26 Rex Harrison
'Tonight, Rex Harrison the famous British cinema star.'
48-12-22 Christmas
'Look, please don't give me that Merry Christmas stuff.'
48-12-29 Dorothy Shay
'Eddie: Hello Mr. Duffy. Now I want to thank you for your Christmas present.'
49-02-09 3 days to live
'And how are you this lovely evening my good man?'
49-2-16 Schoolmate visits
'Nothing new. Letter carrier was just in, delivered a stack of poison pen letters. Yeah bills'
49-2-23 Patent electricity
'What's new? Your going on a vacation with Mrs. Duffy? Going to get away from it all?'
49-3-2 Mickey Rooney
'Tonight, Mickey Rooney. Yeah that's the guy, short, freckled, blond hair, pug nose.'
49-3-9 Marlene Dietrich
'Tonight, Marlene Dietrich. Hmmm, what a hunk of cheesecake.'
49-3-16 Sheldon Leonard
'Huh, yeah quite a party here last tonight. Well you know, with the Annual meeting of the 3rd Avenue...'
49-3-23 Archie's Bank Account
'Look, I just got quite a compliment. Yeah, the glass eater from the circus says our blue plate special lunch was delicious.'
49-03-30 Durante
'Eddie: Mr Archie? He ain't showed up for work at the time of the day.'
49-4-6 Double Date
'Well, it looks like spring is here. Yeah, spring... (Ed Gardner has problems with his lines)'
49-4-13 No more IOU's
'Business? Well, it's been a little slow all week, but I'm sure it will pick up as soon as a customer comes in.'
49-4-20 Cass Daley
'Tonight, Cass Daley. Well, she's sort of a Martha Raye, Betty Hutton and Judy Canova all rolled up into a ....'
49-4-27 Someone's getting married
'Aha, Duffy, I'm as happy as a bee with the hives.'
49-5-4 Charles Coburn (Same Script at 43-11-02 but different show.)
'Tonight, Charles Coburn. Charles Coburn. Now Duffy, don'
hang up. Alright, so one week it ain't a dame.'
Brands mentioned at opening: Ipana and Vitalis
49-5-11 Chester Morris
'Yep, yeah, that's right another crime wave on in the neighborhood, and a bad one.'
49-5-18 Most Popular Bartender
'Business? Normal, yeah, none.'
49-5-25 Ed Wynn
'Where was I last night? I went to the opera. Yes, the opera, you know, misery with a French horn.'
49-06-01 Archie To Marry Rich Woman
'How's business? Well, let me put it this way. If business was a prizefighter, we would be throwing water in its face.'
49-6-15 Bob Crosby
'Tonight, Bob Crosby. No, Duffy, BOB Crosby, yeah, ace that. Yeah, he's Everett's brother.'
50-3-30 Tony Martin
'Guess who's coming down tonight. Tony Crosby. Is she a good looking dame?'
50-5-18 Hedda Hopper
'Tonight Hedda Hoppa. Yeah, the Mad Hatter herself.'
New Sponsor: Blatz
50-6-15 Father's Day
'Well I'm fixing up the joint for Father's Day.'
50-9-7 Surplus Helicopter
'What's cooking? Nothing. The chef just quit.'
50-9-21 Barry Nelson
'Business? Well, we had one customer yesterday and one customer today.'
50-11-10 Sir Cedric Hardwick
'Oh yeah big crowd here tonight. No nose Kohn, Machine gun Van swide'
50-11-17 Archie's Nephew
'Business? Sagging. Customers? About the same.'
50-12-01 Latin Night
'Nice day today, huh? What's nice about it? Oh, I forgot it's your wedding anniversary.'
New Sponsor: Chesterfield ; Anacin ; RCA Victor
50-12-08 Archie wants to Sell Tavern
'Hey, aha, guess who's coming down tonight. Nonetheless than Russian royalty.'
50-12-15 Veronica Lake
'Guess who's coming down tonight. Well I'll give you a hint. Think of a beautiful face with hair hanging down over one eye.'
50-12-22 Charles Coburn is Santa Claus
'Well I'm busy painting a Christmas eve sign.'
50-12-29 Archie cuts prices
'What am I doing? Well I just worked out a profit and loss statement for 1950 fiscal.'
51-01-05 Joan Bennett
'Big crowd here tonight. A whole bunch of familiar faces I ain't seen for months.'
51-01-12 Draft Board
'I'm just going over the mail here. We got a registered letter from the Department of Sanitation.'
51-1-19 Literary Society
'Yeah Duffy, I said "isn't" "Isn't" is correct ain't it?'
51-1-26 Vincent Price
'Guess who's coming down tonight. One of the finest actors of our day Duffy.'
51-02-02 Archie Runs for Office
'Business? Aha, well, we are between slumps.'
51-02-09 Shelly Winters
'You sound mad. What's wrong? When you answered the doorbell this morning you was wearing Mrs. Duffy's bathrobe?
51-02-16 Hypnotist
'Arthur Treacher: Hello Mr. Duffy. Beg pardon? What am I doing here?'
51-02-23 Maxie Rosenbloom
'What's doing? Nothing much. We had a visit from the building inspector.'
51-03-02 Diary
'Hey Duffy, Mrs. Callahan just called and she wants you to return Callahan's striped pants.'
51-03-09 Archie goes to the Opera
'Hey, guess what I did last night. Go ahead and guess. No, no I went to the opera.'
51-3-16 Fashion Lecture
'Tonight, Arthur Treacher. The distinguished aristocratic English thespian.'
51-3-23 Tavern loses its lease
'Whats a matter? You sound like you have distemper.'
51-3-30 Artie Shaw
'Guess what? I finally caught the guy who's been stealing our meatballs.'
51-04-06 Rudy Vallee
'How's business? The place is overflowing. Yep, the sewer is busted again. '
51-04-20 Lion Tamer
'You heard me, "producer". WelI I'd, I have become a movie maggot.'
51-04-27 Shortage in the books w/Phil Baker
'Tonight, Phil Baker from the 64 dollar question. No, Take it or Leave it.'
51-10-12 Party for columnists
'You heard me, "movie producer". Well you know I made that picture, "The Man with my Face".
51-11-02 Spanish Floor Show
'Huh, you what? Duffy, I can't believe it. After all these years, the stork?'
51-11-09 Cultural singing Contest
'Guess what we just had? A new customer. Yeah, A sweet little old lady.'
51-11-16 Deems Taylor
'Guess who's coming down tonight. The man who made musical criticism a household word. No, not President Truman.'
51-11-23 Abigail Piddington aka The Tearoom aka 10,000
Wedding Bells
'What's new? Nothing much. Messenger just brought a package from that weight reducing place.'
51-11-30 Inherits racehorse
'I guess you heard the good news about Rhinelander McGurt.'
51-12-07 Baby is left
'Business? Well it's pretty good since I've been selling bock(?) beer for nickel a glass.'
51-12-14 Schoolteacher visits (Similar Script to 44-01-18, Date Questionable)
'I sound a little tired? Well it's been a rough night'
51-12-21 Split Atom
'Whatcha doing? Printing labels marked do not open till Christmas?'
51-12-28 Hawaiian Vacation Contest
'Whatcha get for Christmas? Drunk huh?'
no date Genius of the Week
'Nothing I'm just going over the mail here. I got a nice postcard from Nitro McNulty.'